


The Aftermath

by invisible_slytherin



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Angst, Eliott's introspective thoughts about what happened friday, M/M, Someone hug this sad raccoon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-18
Updated: 2019-03-18
Packaged: 2019-11-23 08:56:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18149768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/invisible_slytherin/pseuds/invisible_slytherin
Summary: "But it hurt. It grabbed his heart and ripped it out of his chest and stomped on it."Or, the aftermath of what happened last Friday.





	The Aftermath

**Author's Note:**

> I was actually very scared of writing this because I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to portray Eliott's MI and state of mind the right way or accurately. I did do some research but it's 1am here and, at this point, I can only hope that I made it justice.

He had left Lucas alone in the boat.

 

That was a fact and Eliott’s psychologist had said he should try to focus on the facts in order to stop his mind from wandering off to dark places. But that was a fact that hurt. It was a fact that gripped his heart way too tightly and twisted it inside his chest mercilessly. 

 

The boat had seemed like such a good idea. A weekend just for the two of them, away from everyone and everything. It had seemed perfect. Eliott hadn't been able to think of anything better than having Lucas for himself for so many hours.

 

They had had an amazing night. It had been full of smiles and laughs, teasing and smoking and sex. It had been everything Eliott had ever wanted, to spend a night like that with the boy he loved. 

 

But then everything had shattered and fallen into a mess of ruins.

 

Lucas and his Instagram stories were the last evidence of their perfect night and, now that 24 hours had already passed, even those were gone.

____

 

Eliott had been feeling the dread before it had all fallen down.

 

He had been feeling that uncomfortable feeling of something coming and creeping up on him. He had felt it in his head and in his heart and through his whole body. He could feel it battling with Lucas’ touch and words to stay at the forefront of Eliott's mind.

 

He could remember how he had rambled to Lucas. How he had said so many things, how he had laughed and how frantic he had acted. He had talked about their hypothetical wedding and had made an action movie out of it. He had acted hyper and out of character.  He remembered all of it.

 

He could remember the expression on Lucas’ face while he had been talking. He was aware that Lucas knew him enough to know that he wasn't being the usual Eliott. Lucas had known that something wasn't right, he had slowly realized that something was wrong with Eliott. 

 

He hated himself for having made Lucas worry like that.

 

But that had been the boiling over of the episode that had been building up inside of him. 

 

It had been when it truly started. 

 

Even though it had been building up for longer, it had been right there, in Lucas’ arms, in a warm bed and surrounded by love, that it had finally reached his peak and hit Eliott full force.

 

___

 

The worst part was the aftermath. 

 

It was exactly because Eliott could remember what had happened, what he had done and what he had said, that he hated himself for all of it. 

 

He looked back at Friday night now and he realized everything. Most importantly, he realized how much he had hurt Lucas and the pain of that knowledge felt like a bullet to the heart.

 

Just thinking about everything made him feel ashamed. The way he had acted so out of it. How he hadn’t been able to control himself, as if the rational part of his brain had been disconnected from his body and mouth. It all haunted him now.

 

Shame wasn’t the only thing on his mind though. The guilt of having left Lucas after their night had been weighting down on him for hours. He had left the boat, naked and without any explanations. Had left Lucas alone and worried and confused. That was inexcusable, Eliott wouldn’t be able to forgive himself for it; not anytime soon, maybe not ever.

 

He just- He felt like a failure. Not being able to control himself and get a grip of himself. He knew, rationally, that it wasn't his fault but that didn't prevent him from feeling like he had let everyone down.

 

His parents. Lucille. And Lucas, Lucas who didn't need crazy people in is life and had had to deal with one of Eliott's episodes without even knowing what was going on.

 

He felt like he was nothing. Doing what he had done, made him feel like he didn't deserve anything. Like he should just disappear and let everyone live more freely and happily. 

 

That was a dangerous place for his mind to go to, but he couldn't help but wonder whether or not everyone would have a better life without him in it. They probably would.

 

He shouldn't have gotten involved with Lucas. And he shouldn't have gone back to him after he was made aware of Lucas stand point with his own mother. He should have known better. Should have know that he would just end up hurting him and should have stopped himself before things got too far.

 

But he had gotten involved with Lucas and things had gone too far. He had fallen in love with the boy and he couldn't just pretend like he wasn't. He couldn't pretend like Lucas didn't make him happy.

 

So, as embarrassed as he was, he still wanted Lucas to know the truth, because he at least deserved an explanation. Lucas didn't like the dark and he didn't deserve to be left in it.

 

Eliott reached out. 

 

He opened up and sent Lucas the drawings that he had made while thinking of him. He sent all the ones he thought were relevant to the situation. He sent them because it was too important to wait until Monday to give them to him. And he sent them because lucas deserved to see them.

 

___

 

He felt like a balloon being deflated when Lucas answered him. His heart had started beating faster when he saw that Lucas had texted him, but it had stopped once he had read what he had said.

 

He couldn't blame Lucas, though. He would also need time after what had happened if he was in Lucas’ position. He understood it.

 

But it hurt. It grabbed his heart and ripped it out of his chest and stomped on it.

 

It made him hate himself because, once again, this part of himself was making him lose his happiness.

 

It was making him lose something good and pure and bright. It was making him lose Lucas.

  
  



End file.
